Day to Day......

 Hey everyone,

This is a forewarning to those who do not want to read about my struggles. It's going to get real.

I do not know how many of you know what I did in my past, but I feel like I can tell you now.

2009:

By this time, I have been homeless with an abusive boyfriend that I knew since high school for a year or two.  As we were homeless, someone had paid for a motel room for one night.  We needed to eat so we went to the motel room next door, where there was a couple drinking.  The older man had offered if I could outdrink him, I would win $50.  That may not seem like a lot and was a really stupid thing to do, but put yourself in my situation.  Anyways, I ended up in the hospital in a coma for almost 2 weeks because of a really high blood alcohol level.  I did not even know I was in the hospital until I woke up from my coma.

2010:

By this time, I have had my first son, while still with my abusive boyfriend, and still living from state to state.  Things that happened in 2010: not in this order.

1. Gave my youngest son up for adoption when he was only 5 months old to give him a better life.
2. Got in a car accident on a freeway in Salt Lake City with some friends.
3. Lost my dad the same day I got in a car accident, got a call from the medical examiner confirming.  The same day my grandma Heaton passed 6 years earlier.
4. Decided to take a Travel World USA job selling magazines in Chicago and Boston.
5. Lost my job in Chicago about 2 weeks after traveling out there.
6. Current boyfriend cheated on me.
7. Second suicide attempt by taking too much prescribed medication. I was then taken to the hospital to pump my stomach.

2018:

I had my second son in 2014.  I said goodbye to him for the last time on July 6, 2018 and gave him up through CPS and the court system by signing away my parental rights voluntarily, on November 15, 2018. I moved to Michigan to live with a current boyfriend of mine on July 7, 2018.  I was in a psychiatric hospital for 4 days in August of 2018 from another suicide attempt.

I made it a couple months until my boyfriend that I was living with cheated on me, for the second time; the first time was when I was in the psychiatric hospital and then broke up with me 4 days before Christmas in 2018.  I went back down into a downward spiral of taking 44 different medications, drinking a bottle of vodka and a bottle of moonshine so I should not be alive today.

I went to a detox center for 5 days and then to rehab for about 7 months in Michigan where I am now about two and a half years sober because of their help and belief in me.  I came back home to Utah in August of 2019.

Every day that goes by I cannot help but think about the last few years and how I should not be alive today but somehow I still am.  Some days I don't really want to be here anymore, but then some days are really good and I cannot believe how lucky I am to still be alive either.

Still going to go day by day.

If you have read this far, thank you for listening.  I sincerely appreciate it.